FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Men are natural born predators, providers and protectors. Because we live in the age of the “independent woman”, sometimes women can interrupt the balance intended when it comes to a man pursuing a woman. We overthink, ALOT. I’ve received many messages from women, surprisingly confused, about why they can’t figure out that potential significant other or how they’ve pushed him away. 

Sis, give him time. This doesn’t require any outrageous action or a series of obstacle courses. 

I recently sat down with a panel of five men who identities will remain confidential. I also did the same with five women. These interviews were conducted separately without the knowledge of the interview of the opposite sex. 

Women simply want to be loved. They want what they’re putting out to be reciprocated. Where we are failing at, is wanting a certain man so much that we will accept any part of him. Putting his needs and desires before our own without him “showing” what his intentions are. This goes back to the foundation of “where is the self-love”? Nothing interferes with the ability to have an authentic, reciprocal relationship like low self-esteem. If you can’t believe you’re good enough, how can you believe a loving partner could choose you? 

Men are simple. They want to be everything we want and need, WHEN THEY ARE READY. Periodt! They don’t want an ultimatum or feel forced

into a situation that they did not willingly want. Here’s the catch, a man will allow you to pour yourself into him without reciprocation. Why? Only a man can answer this question. I interviewed a different gentleman to get an insight. His response: 

“My thoughts would be that, many guys love the feeling of being in control. So when a woman pours herself into him and becomes vulnerable, the man can recognize that. Once the man has seen you are vulnerable it almost gives the man the opportunity to think about what else he can possibly do. Whether it’s still talk to other people or not fully commit to that woman yet because he may feel that she’s at a place where he doesn’t think she will move around anytime soon even though he hasn’t fully committed to her.”

In short ladies, a man will do what you ALLOW. Every time you lower your standards or values, your value goes down. He doesn’t pursue you, you are not “forbidden fruit”. The cost of your stock decreases, but, only you know when you’ve had enough. Also remember, if the vibe isn’t right you have no obligation to accept less than you deserve. Stop fantasizing, be patient and remember you are the prize.

Jasi

When to throw your Joker back in the deck!

Shout out to all my exes. Without you, Fall in Love With Yourself First would not be such a success! I kid! But thank you, really though lol! Here we go! Hey y’all! Jasi is back. Inspiration has been coming at me from so many different angles lately. I get a lot of “So there’s this guy” or “What does if it means if a guy does this or that”. Seeing things with “single eyes” has broadened my horizon on relationships AND “situationships”. I was recently having a very in-depth conversation with a platonic male friend a few days ago and he asked me one question, “Jasmin do you ever think you would get married again?” Absolutely. Jasi is “love”. My life evolves around love and I love black love! One failed marriage did not change my views on marriage. My future husband is out there SOMEWHERE praying for me as I write this blog. Falling in love is magical, indescribable. It’s a feeling that cannot be explained BUT how do you spot a Joker? I will reveal tomorrow in my newest blog entitled “Forbidden Fruit”. Stay tuned.

Love and Light✨

Jasi 

NO VALIDATION NEEDED

Before I begin, I must say not every blog written is about a personal experience. My platform discusses an array of topics. Today’s topic came from every woman’s place to vent, “the HAIRSALON”. Let me tell you, I’m sure there are many men who wish they could be a fly on the wall in every hair salon and nail salon from Texas to Canada! Now that I have a son and I am a single mother, I also spend time in the barbershop, occasionally. Let’s be clear, the men cut up way more than the ladies! 

Recently the ladies, well one specific lady, was talking about a “situationship” she had unexpectedly fallen into. For those of you who don’t know what a “situationship” is, it is basically a no strings attached relationship; a situation. Situations can get ugly and are unhealthy mentally, emotionally and in some

cases psychologically long term. Imagine an “it’s complicated” relationship status on Facebook. 

There are some people who prefer “no strings attached” relationships. If this is you and it works for you, I wish you all the happiness. This particular lady wasn’t happy. I sat in silence for a while because my transparency may come across as rude to some, however, most appreciate it.

Key factors she mentioned that were bringing her down emotionally and mentally were:

-feeling like a number in his Rolodex 

-days without calls or even a are you still alive text

-she felt like she wasn’t good enough (oh hell no)

-putting her life on hold to be monogamous but was unsure if he actually was (blank stare)

-her actually telling him how certain behaviors made her unhappy 

-being limited to time spent together

She went on about how much he tells her he cares about her, doesn’t want to

lose her (blah, blah, blah) and how she’s fallen for him. Then she looked at me in the in the eyes and asked me what did I think and how would I personally approach the situation. Of course, my beautician said

“Jas invented the “exit interview”. She threw me to the wolves but I was ready.

Game face on! I simply asked her “how does he make you feel?” ONE QUESTION! She just wept. I replied, “Sis that’s your answer. Yes he may care about you but you’re merely a

convenience. He doesn’t talk about the future, he doesn’t change his behaviors when you mention your feelings, and is emotionally unavailable. He may care about you but he doesn’t value you nor respect you” BOOM! 

I told her an exit interview isn’t needed but more self love is. Women are natural born nurturers. We are molded to put our feelings on the back burner to care for others. The hardest part is admitting you’re accepting less than you deserve and walking away. We complain and cry instead of taking action because then we have to take accountability. Instead of seeking validation, seek self love.

❤️Jasi

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH

This month I will be sharing stories with my readers about my personal battle with anxiety, PTSD and depression. I’ll be discussing situations, triggers, how sometimes my friends identified them instead of me; and so much more. I will be sharing my stories LIVE via Facebook. LIKE AND FOLLOW my blogs Facebook page “Fall In Love With Yourself First”. Let’s put it all out there. My mission is to educate everyone, ESPECIALLY the African American community about mental health awareness. Please join me and feel free to share your testimonies and ask any questions. I am #UnapologeticallyJasi so be careful what you ask for. Chat soon! #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth Outfit by @fashionnova #NovaBabe

ROLL IN PEACE

Imagine being stripped naked in front of a large crowd or even in the presence of someone who makes you feel vulnerable. How would that experience make you feel? Would you run off to look for a hiding place or stand there and bare yourself? I'm a ‘what you see is what you get’ type of woman, however, being transparent isn't easy. When you are open and honest there is always someone, somewhere waiting for the opportunity to assassinate your character. People will judge your actions without fully understanding the situation. This doesn’t only apply to intimate relationships. This also applies to life. What brings me happiness is basking in my truth. Being unapologetically, Jasi. When we internalize things and hold them in it affects our mental and emotional well-being.

I must admit, lately, I've had writer's block. I've felt like I'm smothered, and for every step forward, I’m pushed 5 steps back. Many readers have personally messaged me inquiring about why I never mention my sons father in my blog posts. Initially, it was out of respect. Now, its lead me back to suffering in silence. No more. Here we go!

My mom raised me to understand that parenting is a full time job. I don’t  get to choose when to be a mother, my life evolves around being a mother and co-parenting works the same way. Unfortunately for me and some other parents in similar situations, whether mother or father, we are left to pick up the slack. In my case, co-parenting with my sons father does not exist. I have made multiple attempts to bridge the gap but have been unsuccessful. At this point my hands are tied. When it comes to my son, I am a SINGLE mother. I care for my son FULL TIME and I parent him solely. Almost two years ago, this is not where I envisioned my life to be. I thought I was getting the white picket fence, marrying my best friend and forever Husband. Today, when I call, the phone doesn't even ring. Emails are non responsive. The only time I receive feedback from him is when I make social media posts of me living my life, in an attempt to criticize me and pull me down (how ironic considering we are not social media friends). Everything I have, I have worked for. Everything that is yet to come and everything I'm coming for, I DESERVE. Simply put, I am disgusted with the actions or less there of from his father and his family. I thought long and hard before making this statement, but my platform is to be transparent. I feel my son deserves better than this. My family doesn't do things for accolades, nor we do we ‘put on’ for social media. We are all unapologetic and we do not put our children in the middle of spousal wars. The difference between my ex and I, for me, is that losing him as a spouse did not make him an enemy. I still wanted to see him win so that our son could thrive. In my case, it doesn't take two to tango considering he obviously chose an alternate route. I chose the higher route. Walking away took self-respect, self-love and courage in order to position myself and my children for the life we deserve.

Mentally and emotionally, I am drained. I have three children to care for. My parents, baby sister, and my sister circle have watched as this has all taken a toll on me in recent weeks. These barriers have reminded me why I started my blog. No more suffering in silence. My baby sister is always there to remind me, my son is in the crossfire and his livelihood is priority. I've always been observant; my ex chose the cruel route (from the end of our marriage to the present); constantly criticizing my choices, stop supporting our son by ceasing childcare payments (which was the only support I was receiving), and blocking my number to prevent himself from even communicating with my son via FaceTime. He is already many states away. My sons face would light up every time he saw his father, and that has been taken away. Be mindful, my daughters have never witnessed this, as their father and I successfully co-parent.

Unhappiness comes from the divide between what we expect and what we have. I no longer have any expectations from my ex. My focus now, is primarily on my children. I felt myself sinking until I had a very in depth conversation with a male friend, just a few days ago. What he said put things into perspective for me and my writers block disappeared. He stated,  "Jasmin, you are strong but most importantly you are brave. Everybody can’t bare themselves the way you do. I hope in time, I can become as transparent as you are." Tears started flowing. To my dear friend, thank you.

-Jasi💕

Self-Love is your LIFELINE

Hey y’all, it’s Jasi. My apologies for

not blogging recently but I have been EXTREMELY BUSY since leaving corporate America. Favor! Now let’s get down to business. My blog primarily is about mental, emotional and psychological health.

There are times when I have so many things going on, and I have to sort my thoughts, have a woosah moment and let my keyboard take me away. I must admit I have been distracted, but the distraction has been a blessing in disguise. I had to sit down with my journal to organize an array of things and also catch up on messages from my readers. Amongst it all, I noticed a trend; self-love. 

Self-love starts with self. We often find ourselves in unhappy situations because we make concessions for others, hence, prioritizing their happiness over our owns. It’s not selfish to put yourself first. 

You may be that friend that people often lean on in times of need; to confide in, to help them maintain a balance. Sometimes it’s a necessity to step away for some spiritual maintenance. Don’t feel guilty. Friends who genuinely cherish you will be completely understanding. 

When it comes to romance, self-love is an entirely different entity. My block list has only gotten longer. Some men feel entitled, and they do not respect women the way we should be regarded. Stick to your boundaries and standards, be okay with having them. I say this because there are people in casual relationships, long distance relationships, newly established relationships, troubled relationships marriages, and SITUATIONSHIPS. I could go on, but I’ll leave it there...for now. 

To be quite honest, I did not reach my plateau of happiness until I removed romantic relationships and fell in love with the woman I had become after experiencing trauma. I use the term trauma because divorce in any circumstance isn’t easy. I had to get to my lowest point to decide to be unhappy or happy. And I had to rely on myself to get there. Happiness is a choice. I am truly blessed to have the support of my family; however, your happiness should not be placed in the hands of others. That would be the complete opposite of self-love. Healing is difficult for some people because their lives are centered around the trauma that they have experienced. Taking control of your life is imperative. Love you all.

Jasi💗

The Legendary Black Woman

Anxiety never sleeps. I still struggle with insomnia at times. I took a recent psychology class to educate me more about my struggles so that I may be beneficial to myself and others. In October, I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and PTSD. The statistics that I was unaware of prior to educating myself, especially the one that likely affects me, were mind blowing. Studies have shown that being an African American woman puts me at a 20% greater risk for depression and anxiety. I suffered in silence, “being strong”, long enough. If the burden gets too much to carry, ask for a hand. I started this blog in November to bring awareness to mental and emotional health. This topic is near and dear to my heart.

Failure is an “illusion” and the idea you can’t have a fresh start will keep you broken and in a place of sadness. To fully understand how depression and anxiety affects women of color, we must first take a step back and see how we are “perceived”. Research and history tell us that three basic images exist-the Strong Black Woman, the Angry Black Woman, and the Jezebel/Video Vixen. These images affect how other people see Black women and how they see themselves. They also play a role in the development and maintenance of anxiety. (https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/be-female-anxious-and-black)

These perceptions can kiss my ass, excuse my language. The Black Woman is LEGENDARY. We are irreplaceable jewels of society. Not only in the present day. Maya Angelou, Wilma Rudolph, Ruby Dee, Harriet Tubman, Madam C. J. Walker, Shirley Chisholm and many more down to my recent day favs from Michelle Obama to Oprah and EVERY BLACK GRANDMOTHER. Shout out to MY grands Charline, who gratefully and gracefully still shares her wisdom with me on a regular basis and Ella Mae, may her soul rest in peace.

In schools, in the workplace, in professional settings and just walking down the street we often find ourselves struggling with anxiety. We are not crazy, shame on those who judge us for being brave to speak up and offer to help others in need. I will continue to educate myself and others about the lack of information and misunderstanding about mental health in the African American community. I have learned after recent trauma the importance of seeking help if needed. I also value my small support circle of girlfriends who I will soon reveal in a future blog. Sometimes outside of seeking help, a HEALTHY INTERVENTION may be needed. Some may prefer emotional support versus medical support. To my circle, you know who you are, thank you for listening to me, wiping my tears, constantly encouraging me and pushing me towards healing. I am forever grateful. To my men of color, love support and embrace the black woman.

Jasi