Imagine being stripped naked in front of a large crowd or even in the presence of someone who makes you feel vulnerable. How would that experience make you feel? Would you run off to look for a hiding place or stand there and bare yourself? I'm a ‘what you see is what you get’ type of woman, however, being transparent isn't easy. When you are open and honest there is always someone, somewhere waiting for the opportunity to assassinate your character. People will judge your actions without fully understanding the situation. This doesn’t only apply to intimate relationships. This also applies to life. What brings me happiness is basking in my truth. Being unapologetically, Jasi. When we internalize things and hold them in it affects our mental and emotional well-being.
I must admit, lately, I've had writer's block. I've felt like I'm smothered, and for every step forward, I’m pushed 5 steps back. Many readers have personally messaged me inquiring about why I never mention my sons father in my blog posts. Initially, it was out of respect. Now, its lead me back to suffering in silence. No more. Here we go!
My mom raised me to understand that parenting is a full time job. I don’t get to choose when to be a mother, my life evolves around being a mother and co-parenting works the same way. Unfortunately for me and some other parents in similar situations, whether mother or father, we are left to pick up the slack. In my case, co-parenting with my sons father does not exist. I have made multiple attempts to bridge the gap but have been unsuccessful. At this point my hands are tied. When it comes to my son, I am a SINGLE mother. I care for my son FULL TIME and I parent him solely. Almost two years ago, this is not where I envisioned my life to be. I thought I was getting the white picket fence, marrying my best friend and forever Husband. Today, when I call, the phone doesn't even ring. Emails are non responsive. The only time I receive feedback from him is when I make social media posts of me living my life, in an attempt to criticize me and pull me down (how ironic considering we are not social media friends). Everything I have, I have worked for. Everything that is yet to come and everything I'm coming for, I DESERVE. Simply put, I am disgusted with the actions or less there of from his father and his family. I thought long and hard before making this statement, but my platform is to be transparent. I feel my son deserves better than this. My family doesn't do things for accolades, nor we do we ‘put on’ for social media. We are all unapologetic and we do not put our children in the middle of spousal wars. The difference between my ex and I, for me, is that losing him as a spouse did not make him an enemy. I still wanted to see him win so that our son could thrive. In my case, it doesn't take two to tango considering he obviously chose an alternate route. I chose the higher route. Walking away took self-respect, self-love and courage in order to position myself and my children for the life we deserve.
Mentally and emotionally, I am drained. I have three children to care for. My parents, baby sister, and my sister circle have watched as this has all taken a toll on me in recent weeks. These barriers have reminded me why I started my blog. No more suffering in silence. My baby sister is always there to remind me, my son is in the crossfire and his livelihood is priority. I've always been observant; my ex chose the cruel route (from the end of our marriage to the present); constantly criticizing my choices, stop supporting our son by ceasing childcare payments (which was the only support I was receiving), and blocking my number to prevent himself from even communicating with my son via FaceTime. He is already many states away. My sons face would light up every time he saw his father, and that has been taken away. Be mindful, my daughters have never witnessed this, as their father and I successfully co-parent.
Unhappiness comes from the divide between what we expect and what we have. I no longer have any expectations from my ex. My focus now, is primarily on my children. I felt myself sinking until I had a very in depth conversation with a male friend, just a few days ago. What he said put things into perspective for me and my writers block disappeared. He stated, "Jasmin, you are strong but most importantly you are brave. Everybody can’t bare themselves the way you do. I hope in time, I can become as transparent as you are." Tears started flowing. To my dear friend, thank you.
-Jasiđź’•
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